Reality television finally pays off...sort of.

I've always been rather indecisive, which to me is a very annoying personality trait. I can't make a lot of snap decisions, and I tend to overthink things waaaaay too much, which results in a lengthy decision making process for everything. I doubt myself so much that it clouds my head. I've been struggling with this a lot lately, and on my way home yesterday, I had an odd realization. Whenever I watch reality television shows and someone has to make a difficult decision, I'm usually pretty good at being objective and realizing the best course of action. So when I'm faced with a challenging situation, all I have to do is think, "If I were watching myself talk about this on TV right now, what would I be telling the television?"

I guess it's my way of stepping back from the situation to take a look at the bigger picture. Weird, but as I always say, whatever works.

Where will I be on July 14th at 7:30?

Seeing Coldplay in concert with my friend Cam. And I cannot wait! I've never seen them in concert before, but I'm sure it's going to be amazing. It'll be a great way to kick off vacation. I totally forgot about it until a couple of days ago - it's nice to have something else to look forward to.

I will try and take pictures, or I will just have to try and describe the awesomeness of it all.

I'd also like to throw a note on stage requesting that Chris Martin talk to his wife about her horrible pretentiousness, but I still have to figure that one out.

Dealing with grief.

In all of my thirty-two years on this planet, I've been extremely lucky in that I've not had to deal with the grieving process as much as the next person. My first experience with it was with my great-grandmother on my dad's side, who passed away in 2005 at the age of 96. I had never been to a funeral for someone that close to me before, and it was the hardest thing I had ever dealt with up to that point. It took me a long time to realize that she was gone, and I had an incredibly difficult time after her funeral trying to process what had happened.

So when my great-grandmother on my mom's side passed away Monday at the age of 95, I thought that I would be able to handle it for the most part. But I was wrong on so many levels. This is a form of grief that I have never known, and I'm stumbling through it blindly. I have periods where I'm fine (and by fine I mean not crying but in an incredibly thick fog of complete unawareness) and periods where I can't stop crying and my whole body shakes with sobs. Nothing seems to matter to me anymore, and everything takes so much effort and energy. Yesterday was a beautifully sunny day, and all I could think about was that my great-grandmother was never going to see another day like this again. She would never see the roses that my great-grandfather planted in the front yard. She would never be here to celebrate holidays or birthdays with us. There is a tremendous gaping hole that she has left behind, and even though she lived longer than most people do and I should be thankful for that, I'm still having a terrible time dealing with the fact that she is gone.

But there are also lots of wonderful memories that are being passed around now at my grandparent's house. How my great-grandmother, when they were living in Europe, caught a man who was trying to steal sheep from their farm and threw him in the barn, latched the door with a 2x4 and stood outside with a pitchfork telling him that if he came out, she would kill him. My memories of her are spending the days at their house with their dog Hundi (Lady), who I used to do "peace be with you" with when I shook her paw. I remember the walks we used to take to Raley's on summer mornings. I remember her babysitting us and how kind and gentle she was. And I'll always be so lucky that I had two sets of great-grandparents growing up, and how most people don't even get the chance to meet their great-grandparents. I am thankful for all of this and more.

I will miss her more than anything, but I am thankful for the time I was given with her and will treasure it always. She was a tough and incredibly strong woman, and I hope that I can find it in myself to be as strong as she was through this difficult time.

I'll miss you, Cross-the-Street Oma. I love you more than anything.

Never enough time.

I went over to my grandparent's house yesterday to drop off some things and ended up visiting with them for over an hour. I haven't done that in such a long time and I could tell that it really made them happy. My grandmother (Oma) showed me some of her plants in the backyard and the green beans and cucumbers she planted along the back fence. She gave me a jar of her homemade spaghetti sauce, a container of fresh pineapple, some apple bars and some crepes to take home. We talked about all kinds of things, her and I, while we sat with my grandfather in their garage in the late afternoon sun. I told them about work and an upcoming business trip I'll be taking. Oma was excited that I get to travel and see different places.

I left feeling really happy but a little sad at the same time. My life has gotten so busy over the last few years that I really haven't sat and talked to them in quite awhile. We see each other quite often for family get togethers, but I don't go over there by myself just to visit with them as often as I should. And I really have no excuse, since they only live 15 minutes away from me. I think I've taken for granted over the years that they have always been there, and I guess I just assumed that they always will be, which is sadly not the case. My grandparents were pretty young when I was born (my grandmother 44, my grandfather 46), so I've been luckier than most in that regard. But over the last few years, time has started to take its toll, and it's made me realize that we don't have all the time in the world. Time with them now has become more important than ever.

I've made a promise to myself that I'm going to visit with them as often as I can, no matter what. The small things in my life (chores, errands, etc.) can wait - there will always be time for that. Being there for them can't wait. And I realized it yesterday. Thank goodness it was now rather than later.

McKinley Park, how I've missed you.

My treadmill has recently become the dreadmill for me. Although it allowed me to train for my first 5k almost 3 years ago, the magic has vanished and I'm bored. The thought of coming home and spending 45 minutes on it seemed like torture to me. But, I still love the way I feel after I finish a run, so I knew I had to change up my routine in order to keep it interesting. So I decided to head to McKinley Park this week to start running/walking outside. I almost decided not to go yesterday afternoon because I wasn't sure what the weather was going to be like, but when I got home from work and it was sunny and warm, I had no excuses.

And I am so glad I did. I had forgotten just how lovely that park really is. I felt like I was going somewhere instead of feeling like a hamster in a wheel. When certain songs came on my iPod, I got a little ahead of myself by thinking I could run faster than I really could. The burst of energy was incredible. I didn't run as much as I wanted to, but I kept reminding myself that running outside is entirely different than running on a treadmill, and I'm simply not used to it. Over time, it will become easier.

It was nice to spend some good quality time by myself. I was alone in my thoughts and enjoyed the outdoors as I listened to my workout mix. I felt like an entirely different person when I left.
I think this time is going to be so important to my sanity while we're working on this big project at work.

I'll probably go back to the treadmill when the weather isn't good (either too hot/too cold), but it's nice to have the park to use while the weather is nice.